Statement of faith

I'm in the process of applying for a job with a Christian NGO. I updated my CV, wrote my cover letter and then got stuck. Why? Because they ask for a statement of faith.

It seems like that shouldn't be a problem. I've been a Christian my whole life, I seek what God wants first when making choices, I read the Bible every day and talk to God a lot, I never skip church because it's what keeps me breathing. I've worked for Christian organisations before and I've written statements of faith before. I'm not afraid to identify as a Christian and take the slack that sometimes comes with that.

Today, though, I don't know what to put in a statement of faith. Faith is more than just what you believe in; it involves trust in what you believe (or Who you believe in), and it involves making choices based on that trust & belief. I know this, and that's why I will go on being a Christian; because I am not my own, I have been bought with a price; because my life is now hidden in Christ with God; because I've put my hand to the plow and I'm not looking back.

And yet.


What do you put in a statement of faith when you don't know what you believe?

I believe in God, yes. Because the arguments got to my head and I had to pick one way or the other or I'd go mad trying to figure it out. Because going the other way would break my mummy's heart (so very unselfish I am) and because I was scared of what God would do if He was real and I thought He wasn't (all very healthy reasons of course).

I follow God, yes. Because I don't actually think He'll come after me if I turn my back on Him. Because years of habit. Because I know He'll make me pay for the damage if I don't (it's called 'the consequences of sin' and they tell me it's just what happens if you try to build a life without following the instruction manual).

I trust God, yes. Better reasons this time. Because He's provided for me so far. Because when I pray good things happen. Because I've watched others trust Him through hard times and heard their stories of God's faithfulness. Also because I've tried trusting myself instead, and it all fell to pieces. Such a very mess.


But even then - the choice I've made, I'll love and trust and serve Him - now what does that look like?

• Conflicting theologies, distrust between Christians, rifts. Pulling in opposite directions, for all the same reasons. Jesus's last prayer was for unity -  if His prayer wasn't answered, why should mine be? If devout Christians believe opposite things, how can I count on any conclusions that I reach?
• What the hell are we doing here? If hell there is, then yes we should be running, screaming, posterboards in the street, rescue rescue rescue the fallen. Yet that's not the life Jesus seems to call to - personal holiness, quiet trust, inner joy, how is this not infinitely selfish? How do you decide what's worth pursuing when beside Christ it's all loss? The years aren't given me to waste, yet nothing seems valuable enough.

This organisation I'm applying to work for, they're in the business of freeing captives, physically captive to other people, and I love the work and the vision and I want to be on board, and it lines up with justice that I read in the Bible's pages. But there are other bits of the Bible to make me swallow and control my breath, and make a note not to open that page again. Integrity? I want integrity, but my mind crashes and burns long before I get there. Pick and choose the bits of faith that make me feel better, that keep me alive. Maybe one day it'll all make sense.


So this is my statement of faith. I believe and trust in God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I believe, but...