No, I will not give the price of a weekly coffee to support your charity.

Not to treat an ailing donkey, not to give a homeless person shelter, not even to feed a starving child.

Is it even possible to speak to a charity fundraiser these days and not be asked that question? I was asked it again today, and it left me feeling angry. Not with the nice girl fundraising, who was keeping up a very cheery chatter in dreary weather. Not, primarily, with the assumption that I can afford to have coffee out every week, or that I’m not already giving what I can. Instead, it’s a more subtle implication in those words that left me fighting my way out of a guilt spiral and sapped the joy from the time I’d just spent over a hot chocolate with a friend: that it’s selfish to be kind to yourself as long as another need is unmet.

In fact the opposite is true: being kind to yourself is a prerequisite to giving generously. Speak to anyone working in aid, healthcare, campaigning, and you will hear the same message, that self-care is necessary to be able to keep helping others. Maybe you don’t work for a charity, but you influence your employer to use fair business practices, you plant trees at the weekend to fight climate change, you visit an elderly friend whose physical needs are met but who needs to know they’re not alone. Maybe you struggle to feed your family, or you’re bedbound and the most you can muster is a grateful smile to your carer. These things matter – and if we don’t care for needs in our own space, how can we expect to meaningfully impact needs further away?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m a big believer in giving in a way that costs me. We won’t get very far if we’re not prepared to put our own needs aside. And I don’t believe that just because I’ve done one kind thing, I am exempt from further responsibility or I deserve a reward. But I believe that valuing other people and our whole beautiful world starts with valuing ourselves.

So next time I see a fundraiser on the street, I'll smile at them and walk straight past into Starbucks, just because I can. I'll relish the goodness of a luxurious hot beverage.

And from that place of satisfaction I'll give everything I’ve got to bring wholeness to others.